Boom Boom Mk2 (The laughs continue)

[HarryTom]

I said to the wife on holiday ''that bloody lighthouse is getting on my nerves..on off on off on off' she said ' you would blink if you had crabs on your rocks !!

[HarryTom]

Used to do a bit of boxing... the last fight i had the guy hit me so hard, i had to pay to get back in !

[baldershot]

I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Jimmy there?' A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.' I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.'"

[Richard Petty]

Apparently Robinsons and Wimbledon have ended their 86 year partnership.
The break up was described as cordial

Oh yes, that's a good one. Thanks Anon I will use that one

[Fuggletim]

I made a model of Ben Nevis. My other half asked was it to scale? I said, no; just for display.

[Anon E Mouse]

Called the local Chinese takeaway and asked for the specials.

Ended up with too much foo yung…

[Chalkie]

I went to a really trendy nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many!"
I said, "What drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

[Anon E Mouse]

I was once presented with some gravy granules by the Queen…

It was the greatest honour she could bisto upon me.

[Fuggletim]

Reports are coming in of a cargo ship carrying vegetables sinking in the Straits of Dover. Early reports suggest there are a couple of leeks in the hold…..

[Anon E Mouse]

I was in a queue at a supermarket near Glastonbury yesterday and saw Diana Ross trying to push in. I said 'you can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait'

[Fuggletim]

I bought an ABBA themed toilet! What a loo!

[Shots1954]

Exit signs? They’re on the way out!.......

A Tim Vine classic

[Fuggletim]

I was working in the Rex Cinema Box Office in Haslemere (might stir a few memories for some of a certain age) when someone came back 2 x minutes after buying a ticket. I told them that they had just bought one and why did they need another?

They replied “Because the usherette upstairs tore it in half……”

[Anon E Mouse]

I’ve got a portrait of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but it’s proving difficult as there ain’t no mounting high enough...

[Anon E Mouse]

My wife said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”

I said “Well that’s 15, love...”